Life, or a reasonable facsimile

Yesterday marked the first day of classes for me and the first day of changing my life for the better. So far, so good; I am hoping i can keep up this momentum. Things have been fairly OK in my life right now. I am still an emotional wreck some days, but I am finding they are getting less and less frequent. There is much that is unresolved that still sets me off, but I'm learning to cope and let go. I continue to pray daily, and find myself speaking to God more often; asking for advice, asking for strength, support, whatever is needed at the moment. I have asked for forgiveness on many occasions, for I feel that a lot of what I am going through is because I lost sight of my faith, and let myself get lost in things that are not exactly the right thing to do. I ask for healing a lot as well, to help heal my broken heart.

Last week, I had come to terms with a lot, and had made a conscious decision to let things go. Mainly, a conscious decision to keep Ernesto at arms length, to allow myself time to heal. That lasted exactly one week, but not by my own choice. I don't understand things with him at the moment, because first it was 'let's be friends'...then that didn't work too well so I walked away. To avoid hurt, I walked away, and it seemed that he was doing the same. Then he contacted me yesterday, albeit briefly, but still - and I don't know WHY he contacted me, because it was left very much unexplained. It also left me in a very precarious mood all day because of that. I realized that I can't have him in my life right now - not until I can get my heart to stop hurting. I never realized just how much I loved him until now, because it hurts. A LOT. And he just doesn't seem to realize this, or he just doesn't care. Either way... I need to communicate to him that I can't do this; not yet. I just hope he respects my feelings enough to just go away for a while.

I'm making strides every day, and I want to continue that route.