Only God can judge me...

...so why do I let the judgments of others cloud my mind so often? Why do I allow what they think and feel is "right" and "good" to bring tears to my eyes and a heaviness to my heart? I don't expect everyone to agree with me on everything, I don't expect everyone to be supportive of choices I make in my life... what I do expect is respect and - from some - unconditional love. One of the biggest things I have discovered since finding my renewed faith in Jesus is unconditional love. Its the kind of love that, even when disappointed by someone, you never waiver on how much you love them. It's the kind of love God has for all His children. And sometimes, I think He's the only one who truly loves me unconditionally. The song I posted a few days ago in my blog titled "Love me" is the closest thing I can come to how I feel most days; who will love me for me? I know God always does and always will, and most days that's enough. I am fallible as a human - we all are - and in my faith I know that His love should be enough to fulfill me always. But in this fallibleness, it's not.

Its not unknown to most of you who read my blog that I have been battling depression for some time. Medication helps, therapy helps, praying helps... but some days, no amount of meds, therapy, or praying can stop the ache in my heart. Can stop the thoughts that eat away at me on a regular basis - regardless of how true or contrived those thoughts are. Today, well shit - all this week - I have had an issue with these thoughts, sneaking in when I don't want them, picking at me and making me doubt not just myself but everything in my life. I know a lot of this stems from my upcoming move to Boston; it's a big change, and I'm scared to do it, but thrilled as well. Some of it stems from the reactions of those around me, and how, once again, I find myself fighting to stay out of the 'doing something for someone else' stage of life instead of 'doing something for me' like I have been trying to do. I'd give the shirt off my back to help those in my life, especially those I love and care about - but right now, I need to take care of myself. I found myself on all too familiar ground of doing things because it is/was what others want of me, and not what I want for me. And I will always find a way to make all parties happy when possible, but if I stop living my life, I will waste it. God put me on this Earth to help others - that I have no doubt - but before I can truly help others, I have to help myself first. I know it is selfish in a sense to say these things, but it is also selfish of others to expect me to give in to their wishes.

I put my path in life in God's hands, and he has not steered me wrong yet. He has allowed me to travel off my path from time to time, to give me the opportunity to learn something, but each stop along the way has been a life-altering one. I can't say for sure if moving to Boston is the "right" or "wrong" thing for me to do, but I'm doing it anyway. I believe, truly, that this is something I am meant to do, regardless of the outcome for me. I believe this because of two reasons: 1) the opportunity fell into my lap effortlessly and 2) there have been no road blocks. In all things I have prayed on, if it is not meant to be, God has thrown a road block or twenty in my way, to tell me I was going wrong. For good or bad, I believe this move is meant to happen. While I am nervous and scared, I am at peace knowing this. All I ask is for those in my life who are not at peace with it, to be at peace with it. Yes, I am effectively the first child of my parents to move AWAY from the family, when my parents always figured I'd be the one to stick the closest. People grow and change; the once homesick 18 year-old college freshmen is no longer 18 or homesick. In fact, she is sick of home; not in a bad way, just... mentally and emotionally drained from it. In order for me to continue to grow both spiritually and emotionally, I need to break free of the ties that have kept me bound here for so long, stagnating, drying up.