Oh yes, because I am an UBER-WINNER (or maybe that should say 'weiner').
I feel like there's something in me that is intentionally trying to ruin relationships of all kinds - friendships, romantic relationships, you name it - I'll ruin it. That's how I feel.
When I'm honest, I get no response; maybe I'm being too honest, I don't know... If I skirt around an issue to try to not step on toes, I get shown the door. What the fuck do people want?!? I know for myself, I want honesty - I don't care how brutal it is, that's what I want and expect from others, so that's what I give.
Want some examples, dear followers? Well even if you don't, you're going to get some.
In my marriage, I spent years skirting around issues, trying to sugar-coat everything to keep a 'happy appearance' to everyone around me. When I finally couldn't take anymore, I was brutally honest, hence the end of it all. In friendships, I have told it like it is on many occasions, only to have that 'friend' walk out of my life, because they couldn't handle the truth. In 'romantic encounters', I'm open about what I'm looking for, and get no response. I give up! Maybe I'm just meant to be celibate and alone for a while (GOD HELP US ALL if that's the case) - I just don't know.
When these things happen, it leaves me second guessing myself. In relationships, I say I'm not really looking for a full-on relationship right now, I'm just looking for a sort of friend with benefits type of scenario. When I get no response to that, I'm left thinking maybe that's not what he wants; maybe I just damaged the friendship that was there, and now I'm fucked either way (not literally, mind you). Then I see this person, and I think maybe I would want more than a friend with benefits... but did I already burn that bridge? FUCK. I just don't know. For the first time, I can't even look to my heart to see what I feel is right, because I feel almost numb to the whole thing - everything is very much out of my reach in this.
I am beyond jaded on 'relationships' at this point, so the mere thought of getting involved in anything serious makes the most inane, retarded BULLSHIT come out of my mouth, to the point where I don't feel like myself saying it, yet I can't stop myself from saying it.
What I want: someone to spend time with, having fun, who will keep me company from time to time over night; someone who isn't looking for an immediate 'girlfriend' situation, but is willing to see where things lead. Holy shit, it's called dating! And yet, when that's what I want to say to someone, I can't seem to say it right.
So I stand here, watching the bridge I've crossed burn to ashes, all because I can't seem to speak my mind the right way. I mean, really... how do you tell someone you've known for years that you want to give them a shot? That you enjoy and appreciate the connection you've built over the years, and want to see where things may go, but without it sounding desperate and/or too casual? How do you tell him that the one time we had together was one of the sweetest, laid back times I've had in ages - and I loved it? Because apparently, all I'm good at is saying "I'm not looking for a booty-call, but I don't want anything serious either; I want a friend with benefits" - and that's not the right thing to say. Seeing him tonight pretty much validated everything I thought I was feeling, and now I'm afraid it's too late, because I've already stuck my foot in my mouth further than I ever thought it could go...
I should've just kept my mouth shut in the first place...
Ah, well... I think I need to sleep now, as it is 2:30 in the morning, and I have to be up for work soon...
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