Thank you, Lord

I don't say that enough, and I should.

I've been absent from blogging for the past few weeks, because I've been dealing with an emotional roller coaster that I couldn't get my head around. Up until this afternoon, actually, I was feeling very lost and alone, and abandoned by God. Then, after a sobbing talk with my sister, the answer I had been looking for was finally clear.

Ernesto broke things off with me again a few weeks ago; during the week leading up to it, I was a mess, emotionally, because I thought I was pregnant and he was not speaking to me, trying to deal with his own personal issues (which is why he broke it off, so he can fix himself). A few days after, I discovered I had been pregnant, but it didn't take. I basically had had a miscarriage, though I was less than a month pregnant. That was just over a week ago. Physically, my body is ok; the pain stopped after a few days and I was able to function normally fairly quickly. However, the hormonal turmoil that began before everything, continues to rage on in me, getting a little better every day. So much so that I took it out on the only person I could think of - Ernesto. Telling him one minute I needed my time and I didn't want to talk to him, to berating him for not asking if I was ok after everything... I was a mess. For days, I prayed for a reason, prayed for strength, prayed for direction, for EVERYTHING to get myself back to a sense of normalcy, and nothing came. So at lunch today, I went to talk to my sister, because I was falling apart at my desk, and knew I couldn't stay at work like that.

After telling her everything I was feeling - abandoned in my faith, guilty for 'losing' a pregnancy, guilty for forcing myself on Ernesto like a psychotic freak, and yet all of the over-emotional feelings I was dealing with, I couldn't get under control. And out of all of it, the root of everything; I just wanted my friend back. The man I came to know as a friend, I wanted that back. Why? Because I felt myself slipping away again, and I felt that the only way I could get myself back was if he was there. Because he showed me I could find myself again in the first place, so that's what I felt I needed. A few simple words from my sister cleared my mind; that maybe he wasn't capable of filling those shoes for me anymore, that he couldn't be the friend I wanted in him. And I realized how true that was; that I was grasping desperately for a friendship that he could not provide in the way I need or want, and in that desperation, I was continually hurting myself because I couldn't have it.

Upon returning to work, I sent him my final goodbye. And for the first time in months, I felt like a 20 ton weight had been lifted from my heart; it doesn't ache anymore. All this time, where I felt abandoned by my faith, God was trying to get it through my head that it wasn't going to work how I wanted. That's life. As the great Rolling Stones coined "you can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need". I got what I needed - the sorrow and weight lifted from my heart.

I still love him, and I know I always will, but I need to take care of myself, and I can't do that hanging on to him.

So now, I'm going to move forward with myself; get back to spending time with my friends and family, and pouring my focus into school, work, and home. It may not be what I want, but it's what I need, and it feels right.

I realized today, I was never abandoned by my faith; God never left me, I had left Him. I spent my time begging Him to help me, fix me, change me, but never once did I thank Him for what He had already given me; a loving family, a beautiful, healthy nephew (even if he's super-tiny), true friends, my job... the list goes on. Yet I had forgotten the importance of thanking Him.

Thank you, Lord, for blessing my life with wonderful people, and for staying in my heart and by my side, even when I was most lost. Thank you for bringing me back, and showing me the way back to my path in life. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for everything.

♥