Happy New Year

Here we are, officially one week into 2010... time just flies by anymore. A month ago, I thought 2010 was going to be headed in a completely different direction than it already is for me. First, I thought 2010 was going to be the first year EVER that I rang in by myself. By the end of December though, I found myself taking a 6+ hour drive to Boston, and celebrated New Years Eve there. Not only was I not alone, but I rang in the new year in a completely different state with people I had just met - and it was the best time. Second, I didn't think I would be involved with someone at the start of 2010; I had come to terms with so much over the last two months of '09, and was settled with the idea of being alone. I didn't like it, but I didn't hate it - I could live with that. Then things changed, and quickly. Ernesto came back; the Ernesto I fell in love with and hadn't stopped loving. It was strange, because I had 'fantasized' about that moment on many ocassions, and my response varied in each one. Some I would tell him to go pound sand, that I had moved on and he missed his shot. Others I openly celebrated it... I fantasized because, though my heart told me different, my mind figured it would never happen. When it did, I was honestly shocked. I didn't know how to respond. My heart raced and wanted to SING with joy, but my mind was distant and cold, because all it would focus on was the past hurt. So I handled it how I felt was best - I needed to see him and talk to him in person to see if this was real, to see if I truly still felt the way I thought I did. The second I saw him when I arrived that night, I knew. I knew my heart was true and right. It felt like I hadn't seen him in years but at the same time that no time had passed. I had spent many weekends with him in the past, and felt comfortable, but this time around it felt RIGHT. Beyond comfortable.

I still don't know what the future holds, because a part of me will take a while to truly let go of the past and let my guard down completely, but I know this much to be true; I am the happiest I have been in many months. Things are very different between us this time around, and the anxieties I had before have almost completely disappeared. For once in my life I feel whole again, and I haven't felt that way in a VERY long time. My guard is still partially up, but every day a little more of it seems to come down every day.

So here's to 2010; to not knowing the future, and enjoying every day.