Tuesday, January 26, 2010
More bullshit from my wacked-out mind
Yes, my mind is wacked-out; not on anything illicit (though that would make for an interesting day), just wacked out. Period. Some days I feel like I'm truly losing it - that little bit of sanity that I've fought for so long to hold on to - today is attempting to become one of those days. And for once in a great while I refuse to let it happen. I'm not going nuts like wanting to cry in the corner and bang my head on the wall repetitively. Sometimes my anxiety tries to take over, that's all. Some days, I wish I could go back in time and find out exactly WHAT triggered the anxiety, and keep it from happening. Fat chance, as it is a chemical imbalance in the brain, and not any one situation or event. I'm just so damn tired of pills. I have my thyroid meds that have to be taken every day, 3 times a day (well, really I take them twice a day, because if I take them at night I don't sleep). I have my anxiety meds that I take after lunch every day - it's the staring at them right now that prompted this post, actually. Then I have the antibiotics that I will be on for another 2 weeks or so, for the never-ending tonsillitis that I kept getting. Those pills I am especially tired of taking... so at least once they're gone, I'm down to just three meds a day... but I hate it sometimes. I hate the fact that my thyroid went wonky on me at age 20, and I hate that my mind decided to revolt on me last summer. I especially hate that. The anxiety isn't so bad with meds, and on days where I forgot to take it, I knew I am nowhere near ready to come off them yet.
The most fucked up thing is, being on anxiety meds gives me anxiety that people aren't going to look at me the same knowing that's what I'm on. That people are going to assume I'm a bonifide nutcase, and need a padded room. That people will leave me out of their lives because of something beyond my control at the moment. To me, that's fucked up. I shouldn't feel that way, and I do my best not to. Like right now. So I begrudgingly take the little yellow & blue capsule and wait for its calming effects to ease my mind for the next 20 hours or so. I still hate taking it though, but I do to avoid the night sweats, racing heartbeat, frozen with fear feelings I dealt with for too long.
During the times I feel it creeping in, I take a mini-mind-break, and focus my thoughts on something positive in my life; be it God, my family, a friend or an activity, it helps bring me back to center. Smell the flowers, blow out the candles. Find peace.
♥
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
(Hugs) We are all crazy! Pills or no pills. :)
Anxiety hurts... (Dunkin' Donuts coffee sets it off in me! Have flat out panic attacks. Then there's the whole social anxiety disorder thing I've battled since I was 7).
Jay once told me: "So what if you have this issue? Why should you be "at battle" with something that is a part of you?"
Love ya!
I love Jenny's comment... which I guess is actually Jay's comment... but I never thought of it that way. Although, who doesn't battle parts of themselves every once in awhile? I think we're all a bit schizophrenic in that regard. And people who don't battle with themselves? Are either at peace, having confronted and come to terms with their personal battles, or, aren't looking at themselves at all... sometimes I envy those people... who can not address those issues... then again, they are missing out on getting to know a great person - their self.
So what was I going to say? Oh yes, the pills. People some times react oddly when I tell them I am on antidepressants AND antianxiety meds. But really? If I weren't? I wouldn't be here at all. And I figure if they enjoy my company at all? Then they should be as grateful as I am that, most days, they keep me from wanting to jump off a bridge. So instead of worrying about what they think, just tell them "you're welcome".
Post a Comment