Reflecting on the year (part 1)

OK, I know it's a bit premature to start this, since there's still 3 weeks left in the year (roughly), but I figure if I start now, I have plenty of time to add, subtract, and tweak it before year-end. So here goes.

A reflection on 2009 - also known as the worst year in my history of life. I don't mean that in a depressing, emo way either - it's the honest truth. I strongly believe that things can only go up from here, at least that's what I continue to tell myself.

From the beginning... January.

I think January was one of the most uneventful months this year, which sucked because it gave me a false sense of goodness. In January, the waters between Sky & I were relatively calm, and I was basically complacent with life. A month prior I had been battling with the thoughts of what to do with my lack of feelings for my husband, and by January I just became complacent. Towards the end of January, Sky was involved in a minor car accident coming home from school. The woman he hit lied through her teeth to the cops, stating he fled the scene, got off 2 exits after where he actually got off the highway, and said she had to go to the hospital. Sky was looking at being charged with hit & run, even though she was the one who didn't pull over when he did.

...February

February started off relatively normal, but then roughly a week before Valentine's Day, Sky's parents had to make the hard decision to have his childhood cat put to sleep. She was very ill, we believe caused by the soot that blew back from their furnace a year prior. At least, that's what Sky felt caused it. He watched the procedure and said goodbye to Chleo, and in the emotion of it all, proceeded to get insanely drunk when he got home. In the 11 years we had been together at this point, I had only ever seen him cry once before. It was heartwrenching to watch, but then that emotion quickly turned to anger, and he proceeded to take it out on the wall in our kitchen, splitting his knuckle in half in his left hand. Less than a week after that, he was in having surgery to have it pinned back together. We fought a lot that month. A LOT. It was after the knuckle-breaking incident that I had made the decision to leave, yet I stayed. I battled internally for many more months over the decision, because I didn't want to hurt him but I didn't want to stay either.

...March

Ah, March... usually one of my favorite months of the year, as it holds my birthday and my favorite party holiday, two days in a row. This year, not so much. On Friday, March 13th, my sister found out and informed all of the family that she had Multiple Sclerosis. Yes, this disease is not an instant death sentence for her, nor is it fast-progressing. However it is something that will continue to change her life and lifestyle permanently. We were all in shock. The day after was my usual birthday celebration - all my friends and family at the bar. I spent that night going toe-to-toe with my sister in drinks; I think we were both trying to drink away the bad news from the day before, that maybe the more alcohol we had, the MS would go away. She got wasted, I got wasted...I did a lot of crying that month after that. A lot of crying. I couldn't wrap my head around my sister's diagnosis, and I worried about my niece, my brother-in-law, the rest of the family... Sky & I fought a lot this month too, I think because I was so beyond stressed over it all. This was also the month that Ernesto invited Sky & I to come to Boston in September for our anniversary. At first, it was a bright spot in all the gloom; Sky was in agreement to go, and we started setting the plans in motion. How quickly that blew up in our faces. Also in this month, we found out that my brother and sister-in-law were seeing a fertility specialist to try to get pregnant. This was the highest point thus far in the year. The potential to have another niece or nephew helped take my mind off things a little.

...April

April was fairly calm for the first three weeks. I spent a lot more time with family and talking to friends, dealing with everything from the month before. Three weeks in, we hit Sky's birthday. Every year, it's the same thing; I was left to plan his birthday, and he would never settle on what he wanted to do for it. The day of, he decided he wanted to get together with friends, so I immediately called everyone and of course - no one was free. This started a fight that would last through all of May. It was my fault his birthday never happened, and my fault that I can plan my own birthday months in advance but can't plan his with the same veracity. I planned the Boston trip without his consent... I realized then that I wasn't his wife, I was his mother - that's what he wanted of me. To take care of everything for him, so he wouldn't have to do anything. To be the constant 'fall guy' when things didn't go the way he wanted. That was the nail in the coffin for our marriage; I knew it was dead at that moment, yet I stayed for another month.

...May

May was a very bitter month for me. Sky & I were co-existing; we barely talked, when we did it was filled with bitterness and spite. Neither one of us was happy, but neither one of us wanted to make a move on anything. We argued almost daily about work, home, family, video games - anything. By mid-May, I had told Sky if we can't work this out, one of us had to leave. So we tried, and things calmed down for about two weeks. By the end of the month though, the tension was back, the fighting was back. So four days into June, I left.

...June

On June 4th, I came to my parents' house after work, and asked if I could stay there for a time. I briefly explained to them the fighting and problems (at this point, no one in my family knew what he & I were going through). They agreed, so I headed home to talk to Sky one last time. I gave him the choice to stay or go to his dad's house, and he asked if he could stay in the house. I agreed, and told him that I was leaving that night, that I couldn't stay another day in the house with him. So I packed a bag with a few days worth of clothes and headed out. That was by far the hardest day of my life at that point in time. To see the finality settle in his eyes broke my heart. I knew I was hurting him, but I couldn't continue to live my life hurting MYSELF either, by staying in a loveless, angry marriage. I came to live in the apartment at my parents house for a while, and during this month, I spent a lot of time talking with friends, trying to figure out where I was to go from there. Ernesto and Angela were the biggest friends out of all of it. He would suggest ways to try to make things work between Sky & I, while Angela would tell me to move on. So many people assumed during May & June that Ernesto was the reason I left Sky, but he wasn't. He was the only one who gave me the male insight to suggest ways to fix things. He & I became very close during this month, and I watched our friendship flourish. Ernesto came to visit in June, which at the time, I was so appreciative for. However, in hindsight it was a bad move, because it made me look like a harlet and tramp to half my family. The brief time he was there was helpful and harmful at the same time. I almost ruined my relationship with my brother over it, all because I had not opened up to anyone in the family about what was really going on. I started seeing a therapist at the end of June, because I was an emotional wreck. At the same time, I found myself developing so many feelings for Ernesto, and I fell in love. It was the start of the bright spot of my year.

And there I stop for now... Figured you all don't need to read the full year in review in one sitting, so here's the first 6 months.