Reflecting on the year (part 2)

...July

July was decision month. At this point, I had been out of my house for 6 weeks, thinking, praying, looking for any way to find the strength to move on. I was drinking almost every night, just to try to sleep. After many attempts to talk things out with Sky, I found we were getting nowhere, and my feelings hadn't changed. So on July 21st, I came to the house one final time to talk, and told him I wanted a divorce. Getting those words out was almost as hard as the night I left. He didn't want this. We fought about it for a while, tried to figure out what exactly caused it all. The thing was, I had been going on for too long having no real feelings for him, that it was lost to me. Many thoughts of 'if only...' ran through my mind all that month, as I came to terms on everything. The high point of the month was finding out that Brian and Peggy were going to have a baby. After their struggle to conceive over the first 3 years of their marriage, I was so elated to have it happen.

...August

In August, I went to visit Ernesto in Boston. At this point, we were both in love - it was like getting hit by a freight train of overwhelming feelings for me. I have never (and I say this in all honesty) felt like this about someone before. And I don't know if I ever will again - it was that strong. The four days I spent there were wonderful. I could write so much about this, but it still hurts my heart to think about, because the sweetness of it all was just great. I spent so much of that month in a happy daze. Sky had started to see someone this month too, and it seemed like so much was falling into place, it was surreal. At work, a consulting company was brought in to 'analyze' our management structure (i.e. The Bobs from Office Space). Things very quickly became stressful and our entire workplace was turned upside-down as we all had to 'relearn' our jobs, the DBA Way.

...September

I went to Boston again for Labor Day weekend. Sadly, if I had known this was the beginning of the end for Ernesto and I, I would have made an effort to try to figure things out. But he went on pretending everything was fine, and never addressed any concerns with me. I left there sad to be leaving, happy to have seen him again, and looking forward to my next visit at the end of the month. I fell in love with Boston during my visits as well. A week after I came home, Ernesto broke it off. I couldn't believe it nor understand it, but it was what it was. I had to deal. I had already paid for my hotel room for the food festival I was going to with him at the end of the month, so I told him Angela and I were still going to come up for it. If he wanted to see us, we'd work it out then. The first night there, we all went out and got crazy-drunk in the city and had a blast. We came back to the hotel after to eat some chinese and hang out. The whole night, Ernesto kept eluding that he wanted to talk, so I gave him a chance. That night, he told me he missed me, and kissed me like it was his last moment on Earth and would never get the opportunity to again. He asked me to come back to his apartment with him, to 'spend one last weekend together', and I, like a love-sick fool, agreed. If I had known how serious he was about the new girl he was dating, I would have said no, to spare him the drama he had to deal with later on. But I digress... that weekend was very bittersweet for me. I felt like my heart had been lifted into the clouds and then hurled at the ground at breakneck speeds. I came home with a shattered heart and anger in my veins. By October, I couldn't talk to Ernesto anymore. As my love affair ended, Sky's was really kicking off. It seemed so unfair. My doctor put me on anti-anxiety medication because I was having panic attacks every night, and was really not getting any sleep. Between the stress at work and the heartbreak, I was a mess.

...October

To be quite honest, most of October is a blur to me. I spent a lot of that time depressed and crying, trying to figure out what I could have done differently, what I didn't do and what I did do that was wrong (because in many women's minds, in a breakup it's ALWAYS their fault and never his fault). I spent time going to therapy and with my friends. All the while, watching Sky's new relationship blossom into something that I once had. I'll admit, a part of me was jealous of that, until I met her. She was the perfect match for Sky, based off what I gathered from him of her and from the 5 minutes I spent talking to her. It was then that I was just plain happy for him, and knew it to be what it was. By the end of the month, I was slowly coming out of my funk. I spent more time with friends than ever, trying desperately to remind myself that I don't NEED to have someone to love in my life right now; I have plenty of friends and family that I love. However, that kind of love is so different, it doesn't fill that hole.

...November

November came, and so did lay offs at work. Four people were cut from my group, over 30 in the entire office. We all had to scramble to try to figure out who would do what going forward, and we all had to pray that these actions were done, and that no one else was on the chopping block. It had been close to a month since I had last talked to Ernesto; I had to tell him that I couldn't handle it, and would contact him again when I was ready. Initially, it lasted a week before he contacted me; I was so distant though, I think he realized it and let me be for a while. I appreciated it. Two days before Thanksgiving though, he messaged me at work, telling me all his woes with his current girlfriend. She doesn't trust him, because he told her about me coming to Boston and having our 'last weekend' together. He told her I was better in bed than she was (after she outright asked him this), and was just trying to be honest with her. So, against my heart's wishes, I told him if he wants it to work with her, he'll have to deal with the lack of trust until it is earned back, and that he'd have to work on the issues she has (like his lack of talking to her when not together - boy could I relate to that)... when in reality, all I wanted to scream was "I TOLD YOU SO!!". Either that or "ditch the zero and get with the hero...", or something else equally as cheesy, to try to get him back. But I spent too long following my heart, and as much as I wanted to, I couldn't. We continued to talk over the next few days at work. He told me about his canceled plans for Thanksgiving, so I (partially jokingly) told him he could always come here, that we'd have plenty of food. That sparked a short back & forth between us about seeing each other again, and that I missed him. I couldn't stop myself. That same day, my mom lost her job; completely out of nowhere and totally unwarranted. All I wanted to do that night was cry, but I was determined to let it go. The day after the holiday, I emailed Ernesto telling him various things I felt, and that, as much as I would love to see him again, the situation would have to change; I respect myself and him too much to allow us to see each other while he's with someone. I'm not that type of person. That following Saturday, I found out that a former coworker of mine, who had been diagnosed with Glioblastoma (a form of brain cancer), had passed away on Thanksgiving. That was most definitely a FML type of day.

...December

So here we are in December. MJ's memorial service was held last night (12/3). It was a beautiful service and was filled with love and laughter for a wonderful woman who everyone will miss. I keep a lot of fond memories about her tucked safely away for when I need a smile. As for Ernesto, I'm still waiting (as I write this at least) to get a response from him on my email, which he claims he will be responding. I won't hold my breath. If there's one thing I've learned about him, as much as he says "if I say I'm going to do something, I do it"... he doesn't always. The sheer number of things he said to me over the months prior are a prime example. But I digress again... so for now, we're all up to speed. I will add more as the days progress towards the end of the year, so stay tuned.

Found out today (12/7) that a former classmate of mine, Roman Carinci, died on 11/25 from complications from an accident. He fell off a roof into a dumpster, and wasn't found until the next day. He spent a week in the hospital before he passed. I lost touch with Roman after high school, as I did with many, many people, but he was always a genuinely nice guy. Active in sports and intelligent, he was one I always thought would go on to great things in life. Maybe he did, I don't know as I had lost touch. I was very saddened to hear this news today. Also today, my dad was in a car accident. Thankfully he was not hurt, but his car is pretty mangled. So anything positive today? Angela & David may be buying a house, if everything David has investigated goes through. That's a plus, as they definitely need to get out of their tiny house. Other than that...I got nothing. The countdown to year-end has begun. T-24 days and counting... I pray that 2010 is better than 2009, and is the start to more than just a new year for me, but a new life and a new way of thinking.

I think I'm going to end this one now, as the countdown is now T-17 days and counting to the end of the year. With Christmas coming up, I am worried I won't have time to finish this or will forget to post it. I feel safe to say that I don't think anything else will change much in those two weeks (knocks on wood), and if they do, I'll post a separate follow up.

So here's to the end of the longest rollercoaster ride of my life (that being 2009), and to the start of 2010 as nice, kid-friendly ride... one with less dips, turns, twists, and loops, preferably.

At this long look back over the year, I don't regret anything because I never regret anything. Life is all about learning; somethings are good, somethings are bad, but it's all a learning experience in the end. I did a lot of growing up over the last 6 months of the year, and I'm truly loving the strong woman that is emerging from the ash. My phoenix tattoo I got last year truly is fitting for me...

To 2010!

xo, Darby