If you read back (or can actually recall having read previous posts by me) over the past few months, you'll notice a gradual change in the tone of my posts. They started out as a little whiny, emo-filled pieces of emotional drivel, droning on about the state of my love life. As time passed (and with the help of therapy and Cymbalta, the wonder-drug), I got control of myself. I feel good. Yes, current tense was used on purpose, because on a whole, I still feel good. I'm still happy with my life, I'm still pleased with my current direction - don't misunderstand this blog to be like the former posts I have written. Here I go, rambling again (I'm sorry, I've had 3 Captain & cokes and a shot of SoCo, so I'm feeling pretty good right now) - GET TO THE EVER-LOVING POINT, DARBY!
Today was a day filled with an overwhelming amount of emotion for me, for the first time in well over a month. How often is it that someone has two (yes TWO) exes come to her with relationship problems??
<--- that was this girl today.
Here's a brief synopsis: The woman my husband has been dating for the past few months broke it off; no idea if it's temporary or permanent, she just needs time to clear her head. The thing is, they fell in love very quickly, and she honestly fulfilled a part of Sky's life that I never could. In the 11 years I have known him, this was the happiest I had ever seen him, until today. My heart broke for him as he told me what was going on, and I wish I could have done something to make it better, but I couldn't. There's nothing I can do, and that hurts me. I still love him, but as a friend. He's actually almost a best friend to me, and I to him, and I couldn't ask for more during a divorce. I just want to see him happy again.
While at work, thinking about all of that which has gone transpired for Sky, another ex reached out to me about his relationship woes. I must have had a beacon going off over my head, like the fucking Bat Signal... I don't know. All I do know is I started off the conversation a little too harsh and a little too blunt for my own liking, but he took it like a champ. As he told me the problems that have been going on for a little while for him (mind you, he basically left me to date her), I gave the best advice I could give and as impartially as I could, the whole time fighting back the urge to say what I truly wanted to say. He would probably assume that would be "well, you deserve it, asshole" or something along those lines (and yes, dear, I know you are probably reading this, and I KNOW that's probably what you were thinking while telling me this today)... but I didn't. At least not right away. I have barely spoken to him over the past few months, because it has been hard - emotionally - to do so. What a lot of people didn't understand (and probably don't understand) is, I loved him in a way that I've never loved before, and it honestly hurt too much to talk, even through written word. Hell, there are songs I can't listen to because of the things they remind me of (i.e. I have yet to listen to an entire John Legend song since September!! and I ♥ him!). A few hours after we talked, though, I decided I would say what I needed to say, and just let it go. I told him not a week goes by that I don't think about him and miss him. And that's the truth. We had something special and something great. And that's the truth.
In my initial chat with him, I said I would never get back together with him if it were to present itself again, due to certain reasons. Now after a few cocktails and some karaoke, I honestly don't know if I can say that was a truthful statement. I just don't know anything right now, except for one thing:
It's not the heartbreak that hurts; that heals with time. It's the thought that the heart wants something so much, and knowing its not possible - THAT hurts permanently, it seems. (I know, I said I wouldn't get all emo on ya, but fuck off, I can't help it right now).
So, sweetness, if you are reading this, I will say again - I am truly sorry you're dealing with the bullshit you're dealing with, and I hope that something works out in your favor. She's blind if she can't see what she has in front of her. If I could ask God for one thing, I would ask him why things went the way they went, and I'd ask for a do-over. Truly.
Now if you will all excuse me, there is a box of tissues I need to go find.
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