Today is the start

Today, I'm going to begin doing things for me, starting with a trip to Intimacy for a bra fitting and to get some fancy underwears. The responsible side of me is telling me to hole up in my house and work on my homework all day, but I can't do that. I mean, I WILL at some point today because I have to, but right now I just can't. The past four months I've spent focusing all my attention on my relationship with Ernesto, trying to repair the damage from all the back and forth we went through. I love spending time with him; in fact, I miss him right now, even though I just saw him all day yesterday. But that "missing" him is more so me just trying to not feel lonely. He and I are trying to spend a little less time together right now, because I've stopped spending time with myself, as has he - and it's smothering us. I was doing well for the first few months after I moved here, then I just sort of stopped. It's gotten to the point where if he doesn't want to do something with me, I don't do it - and that's not why I moved here. I moved here so I could BE independent in the city I came to love. So I could go around to places, explore - live my life. And right now, I'm not living my life. If I'm not at work, I'm here doing homework. If I'm not doing homework, I'm wasting hours on Facebook. If I'm not doing that, I'm spending my time with Ernesto and a few random friends. And while I love the friends I have made and have come to the point where I feel like I can call most of them my friends (as opposed to Ernesto's friends), I'm not doing anything for me. I'm not exploring anymore, I'm not spending time with the few girls I know here for some girl time, I'm not doing anything. And it's draining me. It's making me hate my life. It's making me want to just give up and become a recluse like my roommate, and just hide out in my room all night feeling sorry for myself. I can't do that anymore. I won't do that anymore. It's hard not knowing anyone, but the thing is - it's not like I don't know ANYONE. And I forget that sometimes. So I'm hoping to get some good girl time in today, and if not - then it will just be some me time, and that's OK. :)