Dear God...

Thank you for creating me in your image, and for all the great people in my life. Thank you for my job, for my home, for my health. I am always grateful for these things, even if I don't always say it.

But God? Right now, I'm having a hard time understanding some things. I feel lost, God. I feel confused. I know that good things always follow the hurt, but when, God? I'm so tired of hearing "things will get better in God's time". I'm tired of feeling so rejected, I'm tired of having a broken heart. I'm tired of not feeling whole. Most of all? I'm tired of the thoughts that run rampant through my head every day. I can't bear it anymore. I want the tears to stop, I want the feelings of love for someone who will never love me to go away. I want to feel like I belong here, that I'm not just existing. That I'm wanted here. I want to stay here, and all signs are pointing me out of here. Last year, it was all signs pointing to me moving here, so what gives? I believe you do what you feel is best for all of us, so we can learn, and grow, and become better people. So yeah, I get that this is my "lesson" to learn. I've learned it, I know what it is that truly keeps me sane and happy, and yet... that's all out of my reach. No matter how hard I try to bring myself back to that place, to that person I was, I backslide. And every time I feel that glimmer of happiness, I get brought back down here. So again, what gives?
Maybe I'm putting too much thought and focus into the future? I don't know - guide me. In less than two weeks, I'll be turning 31. I thought at this point in my life, I'd have a child. Now all I seem to think about is how I'm going to come to terms with the fact that I very may well never have children. Because at this rate, I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. Is that my life's plan? I don't want to feel like this anymore, God. I don't want to cry, I don't want to be worried about things that are beyond my control at this point, I try to find solace in reading Philippians 4:4-7:
 ⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I try not to worry, but it's in my nature. Unconditional love - I have it for everyone in my life. Sometimes I don't want it. It hurts too much sometimes. When a loved one does wrong, hurts another, hurts me, hurts themselves - it hurts to see this happen. It hurts to watch and be helpless. I can only imagine how you hurt seeing this billions of times over, every day. Do I disappoint you, God? I hope not; I'm doing the best I can with what I have to work with. So, if you could, throw me a bone here? Help a girl out in finding her strength again, and letting her heart win for once? I know we don't always get what we want, but it's not like I'm asking to win the lottery or something outlandish...

So think it over, let me know soon though? I can't take much more of this...I know you know - just look at me.
Thank you, God. I love you the most, and always will.

Darby