So why do I feel so weak? Let me start this off with how much I hate HATE stress. You have a problem, need someone to talk to, help ya get through it? I'm your girl. Need advice? Mine is free, and I'm always here - at the drop of a hat, I'd do anything for those in my life that I love - and you all know this (well, those of you who know me know this). So why can't I take care of myself? I put things off, push it aside, thinking 'well, most of it's out of my control, so I'm just going to leave it to God'. And while that works with some aspects of life, it doesn't work for all. And the end result is me, leaving work near tears, breaking down into tears in the middle of Boston, coming home and continuing the sob-fest for a bit, getting better, and then breaking down all over again a few hours later.
I don't handle stress well. The kicker is - I used to work out to control my stress. I want nothing more than to join a gym - but that costs money. Money I don't have. Money is almost always the root of my stress. It's a necessary evil; I wish I didn't need it to live. But alas, I do. I have two and a half years left to pay on my car. If I could find someone to buy it for what I owe, I'd probably sell it. The bus can get me back to PA almost as fast driving myself, and for a lot cheaper too. But then I look at Kitty, and think - what if I have to take her to the vet? How'd I get her there, on the subway or local bus?? Ha! that'd be interesting... Then I think - what if she gets sick again? I can't even afford to pay her last vet bill... and on and on it goes... till all I want is a couple stiff drinks and a pack of cigarettes (all of which cost money I don't have), and to stay in bed for a few days ignoring the world. COUNTERPRODUCTIVE.
I need to stop this cycle. Anyone know a good financial advisor who could put me on a solid budget? Funny; I can give my friends solid financial advice, can even set them up with budgets, but I can't do the same for myself and make it work effectively. I'm done trying. Just pay what's essential, let my credit get a little worse for a few months (it honestly can't get much worse after the damage done over the 10+ years of racking it up with Sky, and the subsequent bills not getting paid after I moved out) and just pay off what I can when I get my tax return and/or bonus money. It's all I can do. Soooo, a few credit cards won't get paid. The cat's bill will so they don't harass Sky, and the rest will wait. Let them call my phone a bazillion times a day. I'd rather deal with the crappy credit score for a little longer so I can feed myself than starve trying to keep the creditors happy.
Ugh. Where's my drink?
2 comments:
I feel ya girl. I think we are two of the same...strong women who strive to be independent...women who dont want to have to ask for help...women who have goals and want more than just living paycheck to paycheck.
Times can be tough and its easy to get down on ourselves when we have nothing to do but sit around and think about past mistakes and failures.
All we can do is learn from those mistakes and try and tough out the hard times.
I love ya girl - you are strong, you can do this, we both can!
((hugs))
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