I know, I know....

Who the hell is this person, writing a blog? And where the hell has she been? I know that's what you're asking... it's sort of what I've been asking myself the past few days. Well, more so the 'where the hell have I been' than the 'who am I' questions. ;) But I digress (as I usually do in some way)...

The end of 2011 was the first year-end in a few years where I didn't write a 'year in review' blog, and I'm kind of okay with that. I've spent so much time dwelling on the past over the last year+ that I really didn't need an excuse to do it more.

But here we are, two months into 2012, and so far... it's varied. One of my "Goals" for this year (I refuse to call them 'resolutions') is to have more happy days then sad days - because ultimately I am the creator of my own happiness, and need to continually remind myself of this. So far though, it's been about 50/50, and I'm not really cool with that. I'm still working through a lot of emotional 'baggage' that is usually the culprit to my 'bad' days. One thing I'm really trying to do is to stop trying to do everything and anything to make everyone else around me happy without doing for myself first. Those of you who know me KNOW I would give my last dollar to help someone else, even if it left me screwed. But I've spent so much time doing for others and getting so little in return that I realized I need to live for ME and ME alone.

This morning, before I got in the shower, I decided to get on the scale - something I haven't done in months - because I knew I couldn't keep avoiding the truth of the matter, that I've gained weight again. I knew I did, and yet I continued to carry on the bad habits that cause it - eating HORRIBLE foods, not exercising, drinking too much on the weekends. So out came the scale, to find that, since October, I had gained 7 pounds. Since the early summer - I had gained 17 pounds. Since I first moved to Boston (about 1.5 years ago), I had gained 24 pounds.I weighed in at 239.2 pounds; that's only 20.8 pounds shy of the heaviest I had ever been, and I swore to myself I would never see that again. And here I am, quickly creeping up to it all over again.

I've been working up to this point for a while (as is my usual response when I start getting even fatter) - I crack down. For Lent, even though I'm not Catholic, I gave up fried foods. Step 1 in the right direction, right? What I need to do next is cut back on alcohol; I drink way too much. Not in a "I'm bordering on alcoholic" kind of way, but in the "I'm doing it more often than I used to, and it's making me fat" kind of way. Last night? I didn't need to have the equivalent of 4 beers, but I did. Because I was frustrated, and depressed so I drowned my sorrows. Not healthy, and I know it - yet I keep doing it. Same with food; I drink, I want fried foods, I eat mass amounts of it, I feel like ass the next day. Repeat the next day... It's like the only days I'm "good" are Monday through Thursday - and that's only sometimes. It's not right, it's not ME... so this emotional baggage needs to find a better cure for itself - and I'm going to try to do that by getting my ass back to the gym.

Oh, the gym... I miss it. I'm a little mad at myself by letting the desires/wants of others draw me away from going. The "don't go to bed yet, it's still early! Let's watch a movie/tv show first" and the "let's go here after work and hang with friends". Both are things I enjoy doing, but if I'm going to be real to myself, I need to acknowledge and deal with the fact that I can't keep doing it all the time. I'm so afraid that if I DON'T spend time with these friends, that I'll lose them - instead of realizing that if they're true friends, they'll be supportive and happy for me.

Then I see my online friend, Tracy, who has been such an inspiration to me to want to do better for myself. The girl, over the past two years, has lost almost 100 pounds. I was looking through her 'progress' pictures the other day, and saw myself in her first picture; not really smiling, looking a little uncomfortable and unhappy with herself - that's me. And funny that her starting weight? Right where I am today. Today, she's at 150 pounds!! She looks like a totally different person - a confident, happy, FIT person. She amazes me, and I really wish I lived closer to her so she could be with me to guide me - NO LIE.  I want that, what she has. There's truly this "skinny" girl inside of me SCREAMING to be let out. Yet I always have 'excuses', since my weight hasn't affected my health (no blood sugar issues, no cholesterol issues, nothing other than thyroid problems), I was "OK" with being fat - but I'm not. It's hard to feel confident in myself when there are times I don't like LOOKING at myself.

So no more excuses. I'm done. It's time to start getting my 'groove' back, people, and finally let the skinny girl inside out to breathe.